Are We Helping? Or Hurting?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: It's hard being a new mom!

Recently in a discussion with a coworker about what does and doesn't work for our family and other's opinions on the matter, someone listening in interjected with a comment that rings so true.

No matter what you're doing, you're doing it wrong.

The reason I started this blog was to help others, to educate and teach, and to write therapeutically for myself. I've spoken with several soon-to-be-first-time-moms recently and I hear a lot of the same opinions, thoughts, and information that lead me to tears as a new mom.

I was a great sleeper as a baby, surely this baby will be to. 
            I never cried, Mom said I was a perfect child. Babies do great on feeding schedules. 
                                                      We'll still be able to do what we want, just take baby along. 
                                 Babies eat every 3-4 hour, and should sleep through the night. 
             You need to train her to sleep. 
                                  It's good for a child to cry, it expands their lungs. 
                   You need to get that child out of your bed. Why won't she sleep in her own crib. 

It's not these alone that brought me to tears as a new mom. It was these coupled with a newborn that didn't fit in the neat package that I had envisioned from hearing all these things, and the flood of hormones.

There are so many things that are going to make you question yourself as a new mom, why are we mothers {and non mothers} adding to that?

I get it, practices such as sleep training and exclusive formula feeding rose out of necessity. Mom had to go back to work, Dad's income, if he was around, was no longer cutting it. I do not fault, or look down on, or have anything negative to say about families that choose these methods, within the appropriate developmental stages.

It's casual comments we make, "babies wake every 3-4 hrs to eat" that are doing our new mothers-to-be an injustice. We're giving them, sometimes, unrealistic expectations and then offering unrealistic means to meet them.

At our 6 month check up our doctor, a mother of 4 herself, stated that Madison should be sleeping through the night, and that to ensure that we needed to put her in the crib awake and allow her to self sooth to sleep. I said okay. Then my husband and I joked about it in the car.

But what about the new mom, scared, with little support and even less knowledge of what 'normal' is in the newborn. It's a doctor, an experienced mother, surely she knows what's right. And what ensues is several nights of a screaming baby, stressed out parents, and even less sleep than before.

Am I saying every child should sleep in bed with its parents, be worn constantly, breastfed until their 6, and never be told 'no'. Absolutely not. I'm saying we need to be more realistic, and to do that, we need to be attached to our children. We need to listen to them from the first breath they take. Pay attention to their cries and meet their needs, whether they're in line with our needs or not.

We need to rethink 'normal'.

Before I had Madison I wish I had heard very different things.

Babies cry, they eat a lot, they want to be held, and that's okay. You cannot spoil a baby, hold them all day if that's what they need. Every child is different, some want more physical contact than others, listen to your child. 

The point is, to all of you new moms, mothers-to-be, and experiences moms, stop listening to all the opinions and advice and listen to your child.  Your child does not have wants, she has needs. Meet them. It may mean you have a to adjust your life, but once they're met, everything will be better, for everyone.